thank you to anyone or anything that saved me

i could whine about how my day went, i guess.
but then again, who cares?
and at the end of the day, right?
... there's always ice cream.

so i'm working on a little perspective.
learning from mistakes, and oh boy, am i learning.
whatever doesn't kill you, type stuff.
... or at least, beer.

they're bound to learn something

i was getting blood work done and the technician told me at some point, someone hands you a needle and tells you to stick it in someone's arm. i guess it's like that. i guess at some point, you just have to start somewhere.

you did feel competent, at some point.

and you never really believed in all this prescribed curriculum anyway.
and anyway, you don't answer to the man.
you're responsibility is to the children.

learning reading

sometimes i wish i could just look
- just look - and not to read a book
just look at words and only see
a circle and a line, not 'p'
a line and then a dot, not 'i'
converging lines and not a 'y'
a jagged line, not 'w'
that little tail on letter 'q'
but ever since i learned to read
i cannot help it, i just need
to see a letter, make a word
the meaningful from the absurd

this box is confining

sometimes i watch myself from the trees.
i find my monkey self most perplexed by my monkey self sitting in a classroom.

like what are you doing in there?

deep in disillusionment

i was having a philosophical discussion with myself about the five stages. you know:

anticipation
disillusionment
confrontation
competence
culmination

and about anticipation. or expectations, in general. and about striving for a state of zen, a place of non-expectation - that perma-stuck in this moment and this moment alone thing. how you could cut out the first two steps, and whether or not they are really necessary.

you see i'm trying to avoid that second step.

a series of digs that might get me in a hole i can't get out of.

it's deep in here.

but that's the thing about a hole, people. that's the thing about a shovel. it may take some more digging, but a gradual incline will always get you out of a hole. always. it's just science, people.

but it's also interdisciplinary.

eventually, you will be able to just climb out of them.

or fly, even.

and whether or not i would even want to skip the disillusionment part, stop getting into that hole altogether. but missing out on the high that follows. cause again, that's just science. just the nature of being in or out of a hole.

and looking down on a hole you conquered.

like the euphoria that comes after excruciating pain.

ironman frees town, eats fence

it's not what's happening in that building, stuck between those walls. it's what's happening all around it, and inside our heads.

are you digging it, yet?
did you even buy your shovel?

i am encouraging you to dig holes through the floor and out to the other side. remember always you are never trapped. i am encouraging you to dig everything. make holes and piles everywhere. and holes and piles again.

strange creatures take down fences. even stranger people build them back up again. me, i'm just digging my way everywhere. and sometimes my shoulder gets a little sore.

but i've made an awesome trail.